Margarita Delgado English 2b Activity 9 Alan DeBoer April 19, 2010
The Mission
Have you ever wanted something so bad but you knew you would do anything to have it? Well, a little girl named “Elizabeth Castro” desired an iPod touch. She would do of April of 2010. She tried to different ways to come up with the money to purchase the iPod touch. It was not easy for her condition since she was only 13 years old. However, she tried her hardest to succeed.
First, she tried to ask her parents for the money. Unfortunately, they could not afford it her iPod. Elizabeth’s parents were in a tight situation since her dad had just lost his job. Second, she tried to find a job on the weekends so she could save up. They all told her the same thing; she was too young to start working. Finally yet importantly, she was doing chores around the house. It did not work out either way she was very lazy and it took her forever for her to save up her allowance. So, her sister Margret suggested she could wait for her birthday in November but Elizabeth did not want to wait that long.
Surprisingly, she went to take a walk at he park so she could straighten things out. To think of other ways she could come up with the money. So, she sat on the bench to think and felt something on her rear bottom. She picked it up and there was a wallet. She opened it up and found $500 dollars. She was so excited what she has seen. She could finally get her iPod touch. Then, she could not decide whether she should give it back and not get her iPod or keep the money and feel guilty.
Finally, she went to the police station and gave the wallet to the rightful owner. She started to walk out when the man told her she could not go without him giving her a reward for returning his wallet. He told her to pick out anything she wanted and he would buy it for her. They went down to Best Buy and purchased her iPod. She was so happy that she had done the right thing. Both ways she would have got her gift that she had desired for so long and no cost to her or her family.
Overall, Elizabeth learned her lesson by doing what was right. Knowing what she would have done was wrong and taking money that did not belong to her. Also, good things could happen to good people. You just have to be patient and what for your turn. Just by doing what is right and making good decisions.
Letting go of loved one's to me it's one of the hardest things in life that you have to learn to deal with. Letting go of my granpa was the biggest challenge in my life so far. It wasnt easy nor for me or my family. Everything happend so fast we bearly had time to even take a breath and make it sink in into our head that his time to go was here. We knew this day was gonna come but we never thought it was gonna make him suffer. You see he had lung cancer, and when they diagnosed him with it it was too late to cure it.
My grandpa was my hero, he always had a smile of no worries. His energy was so amazing that I called him my Sunshine. He was so peacful and the stories he'll tell were unbelievable. He had such a great character. But he did have one realy really bad habbit, he smoked. He smoked in the morning, he smoked in the afternoon, he even smoked right before he went to bed. I guess it's safe to say that he smoked all day long. Soon enough his bad habbit came with life changing consequenses.
Grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. We all thought he was gonna be strong enough to fight it. He did for a few months until he cried to us and told us "Ya no puedo" whick means i cant no more. He told us that he was too old and too weak that his body couldnt take it no more. The doctor suggested that we be supportive towards his desicion. They gave him 1 year of life and recommended that we should spend ass much time with him as possible.
When the doctor's came to us telling us that grandpa had 1 year to live we were devestated. But we all had to be strong and spend ass much time ass possible with him. So we did, we took him to the beach which was his favorite place to be, we took him horse back riding and a whole bunch of other things that were his favorite. One night he called me over to his room so we could talk.
A couple of days before he passed away he called me over to his room to have a talk. As i walked in there i saw this face of peacefullness, of no worries. But for some reason for the first time it scared me that i burst out in tears. I knew this was our last talk. I let him know that he meant so much to me and that no one will ever replace his love. We cried we even laughed a little. And then he asked me to always remember the good times i had with him, but to never remember his death.
The day he past away was the worse day ever. All my family cried all day and all night. But we all had a good reason to smile. We smiled because we knew he was happy with the life he lived. We all know he didnt have no regrets. I dont like thinking about his death nor will i ever. I only think about the happy moments we shared and all those amazing, crazy, obnoxious stories he left us with. I know his always with me and will always be.
A young Hispanic teen name Marcus which he was a little tall and was irresponsible, lazy, and just didn’t care about life. Then there was his cousin named George but he was short comparing to Marcus but older than him. He’s like the opposite with his cousin, because he’s responsible and wants to be someone in life. Together they go to the same school and also to the same class. So school just started at 11:00am and everyone doing what their assign to do is their work or turning in their work. But the only person that just sitting down and doing nothing is Marcus and he haven’t turned in any work at all for the past 3 weeks. He tells the teacher that he forgets to bring his work because he is in a rush trying to get to school on time. Especially the excuse he always uses is that he lost his work. But it’s not only at school that he doesn’t do anything at all, he also doesn’t help his mother at the house. Doesn’t take out the trash, doesn’t clean his room, and doesn’t vacuum the house. The next day starting at school the teacher got tired of Marcus not bringing his work at class and got tired of the excuses he makes. So the teacher made a talk with him about he has to be approving and push himself to do the work because there could be a chance for him to be very behind for the whole 2 months. So Marcus did not care what advice did the teacher was telling him about. He just agreed with the teacher and said that he will try harder to do his work and get some work done by tomorrow. Than after school he just feeling like dropping out but his thoughts of life is that he doesn’t want to be struggling through life at the future. So the next day the only approved part about Marcus coming into class today is by finally bringing his work into class but still it wasn’t complete. So the teacher wants a parent conference after school to talk about his lazy behavior. When the class was finished, Marcus parents were outside waiting for everybody to leave to talk with his teacher. Than after the talk with the teacher Marcus parents has figured out that he was lying to them this whole time. Saying that he does his work and turning everything in to his teacher. So they really got a long talk about he has to really do his hardest. But it really open his eyes a little and he has went straight hitting on the books and do the makeup work that he haven’t turned in for this past month. So later he slacks on his work saying he’s having a break and he will do it later. But really he feels like giving up. The next day he went for a bbq wit his cousin named George. Later night around 10 pm George asked Marcus if he’s been doing his work lately as you promise with your parents. Than he also lies to him that he is, but George knows that he’s lying to him. So he talks to him and giving him really good advices. But the same time puts him down really bad like, he’s a failure, disgrace, and comparing to people he does not like to be compared. But still he opened his eyes and started to do his work at soonest he has arrived to his house just to prove everybody that he will change. He has a lot of confidence on himself that he could do the work and finish them. Than the next day the teacher was shock that he has turned in mostly of the work he was behind on, but it was not all of it but still was appreciated by trying hard threw the weekends. So Marcus was happy with himself and still has confidence knowing he could do better with all the classes he has at home as well.
There was a kid named Matthew and he goes to a middle school named foshay. He is in the 7 grade 13 years old and one thing he hated the most was waking up early to be at school. School starts at 7:15 am. His mother would start to wake him up at 6:30 so he would be early but she tried many things to get him up that early. NOTHING WORKED!! His mother Rosa tried everything she used an alarm failed, and then she would take the covers of but failed, then the mom would turn the lights on and the radio loud so he would get up. By the time she did all this it was late it was 7:05. It was the same problem every day sometimes even the dad had to wake him up and scream at him to get up or wet him… does things worked some times. Matthew was always late at school he would get there at 8 or sometimes even later. He would always be at the dean’s office getting a pass but one of the deans would see him their all the time. That day he was in a really bad mood so he told Mathew that he wanted to talk him. Matthew said ‘’is something wrong Mr. Watson.’’ Mr. Watson said ‘’in my office now’’ so Matthew went to the office. Mr. Watson said why are you always late to school is there a problem at home? Mathew would say no it’s just that I can’t wake up early in time. Watson say Ms Chavez can you call Mathew parents we need to talk to them. Matthew was all nervous shaking because he was scared to get in trouble. So Matthew just waited until one of his parents got there 19 mints past then 30 mints the more time he waited he suffers. Ms. Chavez says good morning Rosa how are u doing? Rosa says I was good but not anymore. Then she say’s were is Matthew. Ms Chavez points to Mr. Watson’s room. Hello Rosa we need to find a way to try to take care of this problem we can’t have Matthew comes late anymore. Rosa says I have tried everything but nothing is working. she ask Mr. Watson for some advise and he says you should try to make him go to bed early and if that doesn’t work take anything that he values a lot for example: phone, TV in room , any systems he likes to play during his free time. Rosa said that’s a great idea did u hear what he said. Matthew just looked at Mr. Watson with a mean face. Mr. Watson says if u late again you are going to be suspended for 2 weeks. Then Mr. Watsons thank you for coming Rosa. So Matthew and his mom are left alone in the room. It’s quite for a minute…. Matthew if I have to come again or you get suspended your tv will be moved from your room your itouch will be taken away so now it’s up to you to decide what you want. See you later at the house and we will talk. So Rosa and Matthew talked that night and they agree that he was going to wake up early to make it to school and if not that the playstation was getting taken away. If he would wake up early they would take him anywhere he wanted. The next morning his mom went to wake him up it was 6:20 he didn’t get up he was still knocked out. His mom went again at 6:35 it was getting late for him already but he realized what was going tgo happen if he went to school late he was still in bed thinking it was 6:45 and he got up running and showered and got ready by that time it was 7:00 the school was 5 mints away and he wanted to eat but if he would et it would get late. So he went to school and made it in time. He kept waking up early for the rest of the school year so he got what he wanted. He went to six flags with his friend and 150 dollars for anything he wants. From that day on Matthew woke up early.
Margarite Delgado, i like your story but the only little problem was the spelling and the grammar. and just get a little practice on it and reread your story to see if everything sounds well to you.
mark.. your story was really interesting and funny on the way u say marcus was at school. i like the way u described him. the way u describe marcus atracted my attention to read it.
to jessica.. sorry about the lost of ur family member. the story was realy interesting and the way u describe ur grandpa was. and the way ur family and ur self treat him was wonderfull. some work u could do on ur writing is onthe spelling. after that everything was good
Raul your story is funny & i can relate to it. My mom would have almost the same problem with me. But actually my mom did do something to stop it. She changed all the clocks in the house and she'll tricked me in getting up one hour early so i can be at school on time.
Mark This is an interesting story, I had a difficult time figuring out the climax. the climax should be very obvious, I see in the end that Marcus changed, but it isn't clear why he changed. The story would be more effective if it was written in past tense rather than present tense. Keep working on revisions and it will be a good motivational story.
Jessica to Mark I love the idea of changing the clocks so you get up earlier and go to bed at a more reasonable hour. Your mom sounds like a wise woman!
Jessica I was really touched by your story, what a wonderful description of your grandpa in the second paragraph. The story would have been improved if you had better spelling (use the spell checker on Word before posting your comment). You talked about talking to him, adding more dialogue to the story whould have made it come to life more. Keep revising for a great story.
IT was a beautiful day out in Los Angeles. And I had a beautiful girl in my sights. Her name is Bernice. And her 4’11 107 lbs of light skin and bad attitude had me stuck. There were only 2 flaws about the whole situation. 1 I don’t even know her and I think it’s mutual. 2. This is the killer. She had a boyfriend already. By the way, I’m Craig. This short story is about me. Check it out. Now stay with me this story moves kind of fast. It was the first day of school at Hawthorne high. I didn’t know anybody there yet. I would soon though. The first dude I met was a dude named Mike. He was new like me but he made himself popular fast. So he just introduced me to all his people. So one day I want to say about 3-4 weeks later, Mike and I were walking down the D-row. And we see a girl. She looked to be around 17-18. So I stepped to her and ask her what her name was. She tells me Bernice. So I tell her my name is Tiny Sanman. She told me to tell her my real name and I said ok. I’m Craig. But after I try and start a conversation she stops me short. Talking about I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend. I mean yeah I was kind of thrown off. But I didn’t let it show. I would try again one day. To my surprise that day came really late. It was the second semester of the 11th grade. I would see Bernice everyday for the past 2 years. She jus kept looking better and better everyday I seen her. Finally I tried to get her attention. I sent her flowers to her homeroom. Mike said that girls like that. Well I guess she was the absolute opposite. So she didn’t like them. That was strike 2 for me. I was always thinking to myself, why you like her so much if she kept making you feel stupid? That’s what I thought until I seen her at nutrition and she smiled at me and walked away. So I hear that Bernice & her man is having problems. I also heard it had a little bit to do with me, I jumped on it. I start a conversation. This time she lets it go on. She doesn’t stop me. So me being me I keep going. Long story short she lets me take her on a few dates and she becomes my girlfriend. That’s all she wrote. The end
Mark: I liked your story but you needed to put the point of your story more out there. It was really good. You alson needed to leave out so much details that are not needed. Good job it was a nice story though.
Jessica, i kinda understand the situation you went through im sorry. things like that are the ones that teach everybody a lesson,and how not to take life for granted. but you'll get through it hun, the memories are what are going to cherish. i loved how you put your heart out in your essay.
i relly like the mission lol it did show that most people would have rather kept the money or would have just taken it out the wallet and threw the walet down
j.DeBerry: You story was okay but you need to check your grammer out. It didn't make sense. You need to have complete sentences because you can't start sentences with and, 1, and leavin out commons. For next time that you write a story read it to yourself and see if it sounds okay or ask someone else for help.
raul;i like the way you wrote youre story and every step of how the kid woke up and went to school.It is always important to tell the time and date to make an instrasting story.
margarita, omg it sounds like me when i was younger, and wanted things lol. but your right doing the right thing is always the best way to go, cause sooner or later the truth comes out in the light. Your story is god ecause it teaches a lesson, and honesty.
j.Deberry;i thing you need to put more eford in youre story and reed it twice before you post it on the blog if you can see reed it over and you will see that it dose not make sence.
One day Charley had twenty-dollars that his strict and mean aunty Diana gave him to go get a haircut. After his aunt gave him the money, he hugged her, gave her a kiss, and said “thank you aunty”. Charley was now proceeding to the barbershop to go get his haircut. While he was walking, his girlfriend Vanessa called him saying “hey babe” answering the phone. Charley replies “hey what’s up” then she asked “babe do you have five dollars” then Charley says “yes but I have to get my haircut with the money I have, what do you need it for?” with loud music and people voice in the background saying “where’s his house at?” she says “I need it to get home”. Charley said “yep! It’s a no go I have to get my haircut so it’s a no go”. Vanessa became furious at hung up the phone.
Later on that day he called Vanessa later on that night, and no answer; automatic voicemail. An half an hour later he called her again, and she had a snobby attitude, Charley kept asking her what’s her problem until he asked to many times. Vanessa finally coughed it up, she was mad about Charley not giving her the five dollars. She was so mad that she broke up with him. Charley was so shocked that she broke up with him over five dollars. It seem like he had so much to say in such little time. He was heartbroken. Charley and Vanessa had been together for going on one year and all it took was one minute to end it. She told him “lose my number, don’t ever call me again”
Charley called his best friend Christian, and told her what happened. She talked to him until he had calmed down. She told him to do what she said, and do not bother her so he tried. They didn’t talk the next day… That didn’t work because they both wanted to talk about the situation, then they tried to talk about it, that didn’t work because all they did was argue. It was so much and so many different emotions going on in the atmosphere. After taking the time out to think Charley just decided to do what his best friend said to do. He stopped talking to her until he got over her. It took a while but he manage to go through that.
In Conclusion Charley is now single, and having fun. So many girls could not wait for him to be single, and Vanessa… She regretting what she did and she really misses him. The saying is true “You never know what you have until its gone.
Dimitri, You have the core of an interesting story, but need to proofread it before putting it on the blog. You don't have an introduction that tells about the characters and the setting, you just jump right into the story, which doesn't allow the reader to have the background to really get into the story. You use dialogue in the rising action, but not in at the climax, where it would carry the story to a new level. Next time make the effort to do more revising and you could have a really good story. The reader never knows why the characters do what they do because you don't tie up all the ends in the resolution of the story. I would love to see what a different type of character, not from the "hood" would have done in the same situation, the contrast would have made the story more interesting.
Jelani This story shows real promise, but needs to be revised. It would be improved if you did several things: 1) proofread it so there are not so many mistakes in grammar, 2)Use dialogue in paragraph 3 (the climax) to carry the story and highten the intensity of the situation 3)include a conclusion to make the ending stronger the reader needs to know the point of the story, the lesson to learn. You have the makings of an entertaining writer, but need to take the time to perfect your raw talent. Work on it you never know where it could take you!
Make sure you post your story here. It is worth 30 points of your unit grade. There will be awards for the BEST stories. Dg
ReplyDeleteMargarita Delgado
ReplyDeleteEnglish 2b Activity 9
Alan DeBoer
April 19, 2010
The Mission
Have you ever wanted something so bad but you knew you would do anything to
have it? Well, a little girl named “Elizabeth Castro” desired an iPod touch. She would do
of April of 2010. She tried to different ways to come up with the money to purchase the
iPod touch. It was not easy for her condition since she was only 13 years old. However,
she tried her hardest to succeed.
First, she tried to ask her parents for the money. Unfortunately, they could not afford it her iPod. Elizabeth’s parents were in a tight situation since her dad had just lost his job. Second, she tried to find a job on the weekends so she could save up. They all told her the same thing; she was too young to start working. Finally yet importantly, she was doing chores around the house. It did not work out either way she was very lazy and it took her forever for her to save up her allowance. So, her sister Margret suggested she could wait for her birthday in November but Elizabeth did not want to wait that long.
Surprisingly, she went to take a walk at he park so she could straighten things out. To think of other ways she could come up with the money. So, she sat on the bench to think and felt something on her rear bottom. She picked it up and there was a wallet. She opened it up and found $500 dollars. She was so excited what she has seen. She could finally get her iPod touch. Then, she could not decide whether she should give it back and not get her iPod or keep the money and feel guilty.
Finally, she went to the police station and gave the wallet to the rightful owner. She started to walk out when the man told her she could not go without him giving her a reward for returning his wallet. He told her to pick out anything she wanted and he would buy it for her. They went down to Best Buy and purchased her iPod. She was so happy that she had done the right thing. Both ways she would have got her gift that she had desired for so long and no cost to her or her family.
Overall, Elizabeth learned her lesson by doing what was right. Knowing what she would have done was wrong and taking money that did not belong to her. Also, good things could happen to good people. You just have to be patient and what for your turn. Just by doing what is right and making good decisions.
Letting go of loved one's to me it's one of the hardest things in life that you have to learn to deal with. Letting go of my granpa was the biggest challenge in my life so far. It wasnt easy nor for me or my family. Everything happend so fast we bearly had time to even take a breath and make it sink in into our head that his time to go was here. We knew this day was gonna come but we never thought it was gonna make him suffer. You see he had lung cancer, and when they diagnosed him with it it was too late to cure it.
ReplyDeleteMy grandpa was my hero, he always had a smile of no worries. His energy was so amazing that I called him my Sunshine. He was so peacful and the stories he'll tell were unbelievable. He had such a great character. But he did have one realy really bad habbit, he smoked. He smoked in the morning, he smoked in the afternoon, he even smoked right before he went to bed. I guess it's safe to say that he smoked all day long. Soon enough his bad habbit came with life changing consequenses.
Grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. We all thought he was gonna be strong enough to fight it. He did for a few months until he cried to us and told us "Ya no puedo" whick means i cant no more. He told us that he was too old and too weak that his body couldnt take it no more. The doctor suggested that we be supportive towards his desicion. They gave him 1 year of life and recommended that we should spend ass much time with him as possible.
When the doctor's came to us telling us that grandpa had 1 year to live we were devestated. But we all had to be strong and spend ass much time ass possible with him. So we did, we took him to the beach which was his favorite place to be, we took him horse back riding and a whole bunch of other things that were his favorite. One night he called me over to his room so we could talk.
A couple of days before he passed away he called me over to his room to have a talk. As i walked in there i saw this face of peacefullness, of no worries. But for some reason for the first time it scared me that i burst out in tears. I knew this was our last talk. I let him know that he meant so much to me and that no one will ever replace his love. We cried we even laughed a little. And then he asked me to always remember the good times i had with him, but to never remember his death.
The day he past away was the worse day ever. All my family cried all day and all night. But we all had a good reason to smile. We smiled because we knew he was happy with the life he lived. We all know he didnt have no regrets. I dont like thinking about his death nor will i ever. I only think about the happy moments we shared and all those amazing, crazy, obnoxious stories he left us with. I know his always with me and will always be.
A young Hispanic teen name Marcus which he was a little tall and was irresponsible, lazy, and just didn’t care about life. Then there was his cousin named George but he was short comparing to Marcus but older than him. He’s like the opposite with his cousin, because he’s responsible and wants to be someone in life. Together they go to the same school and also to the same class. So school just started at 11:00am and everyone doing what their assign to do is their work or turning in their work.
ReplyDeleteBut the only person that just sitting down and doing nothing is Marcus and he haven’t turned in any work at all for the past 3 weeks. He tells the teacher that he forgets to bring his work because he is in a rush trying to get to school on time. Especially the excuse he always uses is that he lost his work. But it’s not only at school that he doesn’t do anything at all, he also doesn’t help his mother at the house. Doesn’t take out the trash, doesn’t clean his room, and doesn’t vacuum the house.
The next day starting at school the teacher got tired of Marcus not bringing his work at class and got tired of the excuses he makes. So the teacher made a talk with him about he has to be approving and push himself to do the work because there could be a chance for him to be very behind for the whole 2 months. So Marcus did not care what advice did the teacher was telling him about. He just agreed with the teacher and said that he will try harder to do his work and get some work done by tomorrow. Than after school he just feeling like dropping out but his thoughts of life is that he doesn’t want to be struggling through life at the future.
So the next day the only approved part about Marcus coming into class today is by finally bringing his work into class but still it wasn’t complete. So the teacher wants a parent conference after school to talk about his lazy behavior. When the class was finished, Marcus parents were outside waiting for everybody to leave to talk with his teacher. Than after the talk with the teacher Marcus parents has figured out that he was lying to them this whole time. Saying that he does his work and turning everything in to his teacher. So they really got a long talk about he has to really do his hardest. But it really open his eyes a little and he has went straight hitting on the books and do the makeup work that he haven’t turned in for this past month. So later he slacks on his work saying he’s having a break and he will do it later. But really he feels like giving up.
The next day he went for a bbq wit his cousin named George. Later night around 10 pm George asked Marcus if he’s been doing his work lately as you promise with your parents. Than he also lies to him that he is, but George knows that he’s lying to him. So he talks to him and giving him really good advices. But the same time puts him down really bad like, he’s a failure, disgrace, and comparing to people he does not like to be compared. But still he opened his eyes and started to do his work at soonest he has arrived to his house just to prove everybody that he will change. He has a lot of confidence on himself that he could do the work and finish them. Than the next day the teacher was shock that he has turned in mostly of the work he was behind on, but it was not all of it but still was appreciated by trying hard threw the weekends. So Marcus was happy with himself and still has confidence knowing he could do better with all the classes he has at home as well.
There was a kid named Matthew and he goes to a middle school named foshay. He is in the 7 grade 13 years old and one thing he hated the most was waking up early to be at school. School starts at 7:15 am. His mother would start to wake him up at 6:30 so he would be early but she tried many things to get him up that early. NOTHING WORKED!!
ReplyDeleteHis mother Rosa tried everything she used an alarm failed, and then she would take the covers of but failed, then the mom would turn the lights on and the radio loud so he would get up. By the time she did all this it was late it was 7:05. It was the same problem every day sometimes even the dad had to wake him up and scream at him to get up or wet him… does things worked some times.
Matthew was always late at school he would get there at 8 or sometimes even later. He would always be at the dean’s office getting a pass but one of the deans would see him their all the time. That day he was in a really bad mood so he told Mathew that he wanted to talk him. Matthew said ‘’is something wrong Mr. Watson.’’ Mr. Watson said ‘’in my office now’’ so Matthew went to the office.
Mr. Watson said why are you always late to school is there a problem at home? Mathew would say no it’s just that I can’t wake up early in time. Watson say Ms Chavez can you call Mathew parents we need to talk to them. Matthew was all nervous shaking because he was scared to get in trouble. So Matthew just waited until one of his parents got there 19 mints past then 30 mints the more time he waited he suffers.
Ms. Chavez says good morning Rosa how are u doing? Rosa says I was good but not anymore. Then she say’s were is Matthew. Ms Chavez points to Mr. Watson’s room.
Hello Rosa we need to find a way to try to take care of this problem we can’t have Matthew comes late anymore. Rosa says I have tried everything but nothing is working. she ask Mr. Watson for some advise and he says you should try to make him go to bed early and if that doesn’t work take anything that he values a lot for example: phone, TV in room , any systems he likes to play during his free time. Rosa said that’s a great idea did u hear what he said. Matthew just looked at Mr. Watson with a mean face. Mr. Watson says if u late again you are going to be suspended for 2 weeks. Then Mr. Watsons thank you for coming Rosa.
So Matthew and his mom are left alone in the room. It’s quite for a minute…. Matthew if I have to come again or you get suspended your tv will be moved from your room your itouch will be taken away so now it’s up to you to decide what you want. See you later at the house and we will talk.
So Rosa and Matthew talked that night and they agree that he was going to wake up early to make it to school and if not that the playstation was getting taken away. If he would wake up early they would take him anywhere he wanted.
The next morning his mom went to wake him up it was 6:20 he didn’t get up he was still knocked out. His mom went again at 6:35 it was getting late for him already but he realized what was going tgo happen if he went to school late he was still in bed thinking it was 6:45 and he got up running and showered and got ready by that time it was 7:00 the school was 5 mints away and he wanted to eat but if he would et it would get late. So he went to school and made it in time. He kept waking up early for the rest of the school year so he got what he wanted. He went to six flags with his friend and 150 dollars for anything he wants. From that day on Matthew woke up early.
Margarite Delgado,
ReplyDeletei like your story but the only little problem was the spelling and the grammar. and just get a little practice on it and reread your story to see if everything sounds well to you.
mark..
ReplyDeleteyour story was really interesting and funny on the way u say marcus was at school. i like the way u described him. the way u describe marcus atracted my attention to read it.
to jessica..
ReplyDeletesorry about the lost of ur family member. the story was realy interesting and the way u describe ur grandpa was. and the way ur family and ur self treat him was wonderfull. some work u could do on ur writing is onthe spelling. after that everything was good
Raul your story is funny & i can relate to it. My mom would have almost the same problem with me. But actually my mom did do something to stop it. She changed all the clocks in the house and she'll tricked me in getting up one hour early so i can be at school on time.
ReplyDeleteMark
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting story, I had a difficult time figuring out the climax. the climax should be very obvious, I see in the end that Marcus changed, but it isn't clear why he changed. The story would be more effective if it was written in past tense rather than present tense. Keep working on revisions and it will be a good motivational story.
Jessica to Mark
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of changing the clocks so you get up earlier and go to bed at a more reasonable hour. Your mom sounds like a wise woman!
Jessica
ReplyDeleteI was really touched by your story, what a wonderful description of your grandpa in the second paragraph. The story would have been improved if you had better spelling (use the spell checker on Word before posting your comment). You talked about talking to him, adding more dialogue to the story whould have made it come to life more. Keep revising for a great story.
The Chase jelani deberry
ReplyDeleteIT was a beautiful day out in Los Angeles. And I had a beautiful girl in my sights. Her name is Bernice. And her 4’11 107 lbs of light skin and bad attitude had me stuck. There were only 2 flaws about the whole situation. 1 I don’t even know her and I think it’s mutual. 2. This is the killer. She had a boyfriend already. By the way, I’m Craig. This short story is about me. Check it out. Now stay with me this story moves kind of fast.
It was the first day of school at Hawthorne high. I didn’t know anybody there yet. I would soon though. The first dude I met was a dude named Mike. He was new like me but he made himself popular fast. So he just introduced me to all his people.
So one day I want to say about 3-4 weeks later, Mike and I were walking down the D-row. And we see a girl. She looked to be around 17-18. So I stepped to her and ask her what her name was. She tells me Bernice. So I tell her my name is Tiny Sanman. She told me to tell her my real name and I said ok. I’m Craig. But after I try and start a conversation she stops me short. Talking about I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend. I mean yeah I was kind of thrown off. But I didn’t let it show. I would try again one day. To my surprise that day came really late.
It was the second semester of the 11th grade. I would see Bernice everyday for the past 2 years. She jus kept looking better and better everyday I seen her. Finally I tried to get her attention. I sent her flowers to her homeroom. Mike said that girls like that. Well I guess she was the absolute opposite. So she didn’t like them. That was strike 2 for me. I was always thinking to myself, why you like her so much if she kept making you feel stupid? That’s what I thought until I seen her at nutrition and she smiled at me and walked away.
So I hear that Bernice & her man is having problems. I also heard it had a little bit to do with me, I jumped on it. I start a conversation. This time she lets it go on. She doesn’t stop me. So me being me I keep going. Long story short she lets me take her on a few dates and she becomes my girlfriend. That’s all she wrote. The end
Mark: I liked your story but you needed to put the point of your story more out there. It was really good. You alson needed to leave out so much details that are not needed. Good job it was a nice story though.
ReplyDeleteJessica, i kinda understand the situation you went through im sorry. things like that are the ones that teach everybody a lesson,and how not to take life for granted. but you'll get through it hun, the memories are what are going to cherish. i loved how you put your heart out in your essay.
ReplyDeletei relly like the mission lol it did show that most people would have rather kept the money or would have just taken it out the wallet and threw the walet down
ReplyDeletej.DeBerry: You story was okay but you need to check your grammer out. It didn't make sense. You need to have complete sentences because you can't start sentences with and, 1, and leavin out commons. For next time that you write a story read it to yourself and see if it sounds okay or ask someone else for help.
ReplyDeleteraul;i like the way you wrote youre story and every step of how the kid woke up and went to school.It is always important to tell the time and date to make an instrasting story.
ReplyDeletemargarita, omg it sounds like me when i was younger, and wanted things lol. but your right doing the right thing is always the best way to go, cause sooner or later the truth comes out in the light. Your story is god ecause it teaches a lesson, and honesty.
ReplyDeletej.Deberry;i thing you need to put more eford in youre story and reed it twice before you post it on the blog if you can see reed it over and you will see that it dose not make sence.
ReplyDeletebooooooo lol i never whant to wake up at 7 or 8
ReplyDeleteThe Bad Break up
ReplyDeleteOne day Charley had twenty-dollars that his strict and mean aunty Diana gave him to go get a haircut. After his aunt gave him the money, he hugged her, gave her a kiss, and said “thank you aunty”. Charley was now proceeding to the barbershop to go get his haircut. While he was walking, his girlfriend Vanessa called him saying “hey babe” answering the phone. Charley replies “hey what’s up” then she asked “babe do you have five dollars” then Charley says “yes but I have to get my haircut with the money I have, what do you need it for?” with loud music and people voice in the background saying “where’s his house at?” she says “I need it to get home”. Charley said “yep! It’s a no go I have to get my haircut so it’s a no go”. Vanessa became furious at hung up the phone.
Later on that day he called Vanessa later on that night, and no answer; automatic voicemail. An half an hour later he called her again, and she had a snobby attitude, Charley kept asking her what’s her problem until he asked to many times. Vanessa finally coughed it up, she was mad about Charley not giving her the five dollars. She was so mad that she broke up with him. Charley was so shocked that she broke up with him over five dollars. It seem like he had so much to say in such little time. He was heartbroken. Charley and Vanessa had been together for going on one year and all it took was one minute to end it. She told him “lose my number, don’t ever call me again”
Charley called his best friend Christian, and told her what happened. She talked to him until he had calmed down. She told him to do what she said, and do not bother her so he tried. They didn’t talk the next day… That didn’t work because they both wanted to talk about the situation, then they tried to talk about it, that didn’t work because all they did was argue. It was so much and so many different emotions going on in the atmosphere. After taking the time out to think Charley just decided to do what his best friend said to do. He stopped talking to her until he got over her. It took a while but he manage to go through that.
In Conclusion Charley is now single, and having fun. So many girls could not wait for him to be single, and Vanessa… She regretting what she did and she really misses him. The saying is true “You never know what you have until its gone.
Dimitri,
ReplyDeleteYou have the core of an interesting story, but need to proofread it before putting it on the blog. You don't have an introduction that tells about the characters and the setting, you just jump right into the story, which doesn't allow the reader to have the background to really get into the story. You use dialogue in the rising action, but not in at the climax, where it would carry the story to a new level. Next time make the effort to do more revising and you could have a really good story. The reader never knows why the characters do what they do because you don't tie up all the ends in the resolution of the story. I would love to see what a different type of character, not from the "hood" would have done in the same situation, the contrast would have made the story more interesting.
Jelani
ReplyDeleteThis story shows real promise, but needs to be revised. It would be improved if you did several things: 1) proofread it so there are not so many mistakes in grammar, 2)Use dialogue in paragraph 3 (the climax) to carry the story and highten the intensity of the situation 3)include a conclusion to make the ending stronger the reader needs to know the point of the story, the lesson to learn. You have the makings of an entertaining writer, but need to take the time to perfect your raw talent. Work on it you never know where it could take you!